with Rebecca Christianson

Do you feel guilty setting aside time to prioritise your wellbeing?

When was the last time you said yes to helping someone when really you wanted to say no?

How frequently do you behave how others expect you to rather than being your true self?

I spent most of my life being a chronic people pleaser until I was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 38 years old and in my first executive position. I decided to take the learning from this challenging experience to put myself first and start living my life in a manner that was more congruent with my authentic self. A part of this was applying my psychology background to become an executive coach - something I deemed I had to be ‘older’ to do. Being more connected to myself has been liberating.

We women have a natural propensity to nurture others. However, we frequently give too much to others, seek approval from people, we struggle to say no and put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do-list. It is no wonder we feel frustrated, exhausted and even resentful of other people’s demands of us at times.

What does the psychology world say about people pleasing?

People pleasing is referred to as fawning – it is 1 of the 4 stress responses in addition to fight / flight / freeze.

It is when we:

• Put other people’s feelings, views, or needs above our own consistently over time to the detriment of ourselves
• Attempt to avoid or deescalate a perceived threat of conflict by tending to the needs of others around us and deprioritising ourselves.

In doing so, we attempt to avoid the stress that them being upset with us would cause, so we abandon ourselves in order to appease others. It feels ‘easier’ to disappoint ourselves rather than another person. 

What are the common signs of people pleasing?

When we consistently:

• Seek approval & validation from others – we want people to like us
• Act like a chameleon – we are not our authentic self and fit in with how others behave
• Feel responsible for how other people feel and attempt to boost their mood
• Struggle to share our feelings with others if we are upset at them
• Pretend to agree with others even if we have a different perspective – we avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations so as to stay in favour with others
• Are ‘yes people’ - we find it hard to say no and set boundaries. 

Can you relate to these behaviours?

We people pleasers have superpowers of empathy, kindness and adaptability. We have a strong people radar and notice what is taking place around us, we have a strong desire to help others, and we value what people think. These qualities make us incredible humans. However… in overdrive these collections of behaviours does not serve us long term.

What is the negative impact of prolonged people pleasing?

When we frequently put aside our needs, feelings, or values we struggle to prioritise ourselves. We may appear inconsistent, confusing, or dysgenesis as our behaviour changes based on those around us. We negatively impact our wellbeing as our risk of exhaustion, resentment, burnout increases. We are governed by those around us – we are ‘other authored’ rather than ‘self-authored’.

What can we do to prioritise ourselves more daily?

• Acknowledge we are kind, generous, extraordinary women – the people around us benefit from our ability to nurture them. Yet it is okay to dial down some of these behaviours to give to ourselves daily too.  
• When someone requests our help, or invites us to an event, create space before we respond rather than saying ‘yes’ straight away – say a generic statement to delay our response. Such as ‘I need to check my diary’, or ‘I will get back to you’, or ‘I have more requests from others than I have the time to do so I need to think about it’.
• Listen, trust and act on our intuition when we know, or feel in our body that we cannot meet someone else’s expectation of us - say no, or ‘not yet’ to others more regularly
• Avoid over explaining, defending, or making excuses for why we cannot do what someone else asks us to do – use short statements
• Understand and manage our cognitive and situational triggers to pleasing others – look for the patterns of when we say ‘yes’ when our insides are screaming ‘no’
• Sit with the discomfort of someone being upset at us for setting a boundary – release the need to chase them to make them like us to make up for our behaviour
• Prioritise time to ourself to connect to our feelings daily – even if it is 5-10 minutes of meditation, going for a walk, or journalling our feelings.

For our own psychological and physical wellbeing, it is important we stop consistently abandoning ourselves and start tolerating disappointing others. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves; take the time to nurture that through speaking to ourselves with self-compassion as we do with a close friend.

The world will not end when we set boundaries with others and prioritise our wellbeing daily. We are worth it.

About Rebecca Christianson

Rebecca is an international executive coach, leadership consultant, facilitator and keynote speaker who helps leaders love life at the top of business. In her past corporate life she was an executive and senior leader who worked in the UK, Europe and Australia. She was a perpetual people pleaser until she had breast cancer aged 38 years. This experience motivated her to stop being the person other people wanted her to be and live a life that was more aligned to her authentic self. She has a psychology background and uses evidence-based approaches to help leaders navigate the joys and woes of the corporate world. She is especially passionate about helping female leaders be their true self and play big in life and at work.

Visit Rebecca’s website to download a free self-reflection tool on people pleasing.